How can one little six-letter word be so unsettling and intimidating? Cancer. Half of all men and one third of all women in the United States will be diagnosed with cancer sometime during their lifetime. That comes out to one in two men and one in three women. Think of the people around you: in your family, at work, in your church, in your circle of friends. Chances are if you don’t know someone yet who has battled cancer, you will. When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, a heavy heart follows disbelief. You would love to help in some way, but just don’t know how. “Can I ask how she is doing?” “What can I do to help?” “Should I even offer to help or bring it up?” These are questions we all have when faced with the diagnosis of someone we care about.

Like many other people, I have loved ones that have been affected by cancer. Most recently, my sister-in-law has faced breast cancer and two friends have endured ovarian cancer. When I heard of each diagnosis, I was shocked, speechless and disheartened. I felt helpless, like there was nothing I could do to help them. I have learned over time that there are many ways to support and help and I wanted to share my experiences with you.

What you can say I’ve learned that everyone is different in their personality, diagnosis and treatment. The person diagnosed with cancer is often in shock and scared when they find out the news. I’ve found the most welcome gesture is just to offer a hug, tell her that you will pray for her and will be there for her. When she is ready to talk about it, she will. Be available to listen when she is ready to talk.

I’ve learned through conversations not to offer advice unless you are asked, and you shouldn’t say “I know how you feel” unless you have faced cancer yourself. I’ve found out that you should not tell her stories about what you’ve seen other people with that cancer type go through. She may or may not have to endure that same treatment or side effects or she may not want to even discuss them.

Some may wish to discuss more about their diagnosis than others, and in discussion you may ask what kind of cancer she has but it is not polite to ask about what stage. Often one might make a rash generalization about the cancer patient’s treatment and outcome when they hear her stage of cancer. I’ve learned that the most important thing is to be positive and supportive; be there for her and listen more than you talk.

What you can do

I first anxiously waited for them to ask for help. I wanted to help so badly; anything I could do, I was ready for it. I found that if you really want to help her, don’t wait for her to ask. Often she will not feel comfortable asking for help. I’ve discovered that there are many things you can do. Make a meal for her and her family. Don’t be so much concerned about what she is able to eat; as long as her family has a meal it will take a weight off of her shoulders. Any food you bring will be appreciated, and it is especially helpful if you bring a meal that is easily frozen to be reheated later. Bring her a movie, a cup of coffee, a single flower or a balloon. As long as you are healthy, ask her if you can stop over for a short visit. Send cards and letters often and call to check in. My sister-in-law lives a good distance away from me. My husband and I made a routine of calling her every weekend to talk and catch up. We’d focus on topics such as hobbies, interests and family, to keep conversation on something besides her illness. We would utilize her great sense of humor and come up with funny ideas and stories to keep her spirit going. I would write her letters and we would send her the funniest cards we could find. If your friend lives near, you can help with laundry, house work, yard work, or offer to babysit her children so she can rest. Help get groceries, run errands or offer to drive her home from chemo treatments. Just a bit of your time can make something feel less overwhelming for her.

Getting through

I’ve learned from these amazing women that the most important thing is to remain positive. They would look for the positives anywhere they could find them rather than dwell on the negative. They celebrated the little things: one more treatment done, feeling a little better, having a good day, good test results.

They felt blessed to be able to be treated with surgery and/or treatment. At some point during treatment they didn’t feel well, but it did not get any of them down. One stressed the importance of getting up in the morning, taking a shower and putting on her make-up. It made her feel better about herself and the compliments she received boosted her self-esteem even more. They all let their inner beauty continue to shine through. They found doctors that they were extremely comfortable with. If they did not agree with their doctor’s advice or doctor’s personality, they sought another physician. They were determined and unwavering. They found their backbone, weren’t afraid to ask questions, do their own research or say “no” to something. They learned that they could lean on family and friends for support.

Continue your support

I came to realize how long and ongoing cancer treatment can be. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad days. It is so important to continue your support throughout the entire process, even after treatment is complete. Our weekly phone calls to my sister-in-law have lasted long past her treatment and we’ve become closer than ever. I would never have thought that her cancer would actually have brought us closer together. You might find that hearing of someone’s cancer diagnosis will give you a reason to give of yourself that much more; it may even end up strengthening your bond with someone. Why not turn this ugly word into a beautiful friendship?

References: www.cancer.org