Hello Again,
I try and share something inspiring or uplifting in my
meanderings columns and came across this and thought it
was too funny not to share. I hope you get a chuckle out of it
like I did.
How ASPARAGUS Got Its’ Name
A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on
the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot
older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and
someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam
and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t
embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have
cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people
died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million
or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built
a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He
asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob
had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues
on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.
4vHERVOICE MAY/JUNE 2015
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include:
don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and
thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that
doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a
big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also
some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus
is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem
in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born
in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ‘’As a matter of fact, I
was.’’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve
opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so
evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to
life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the
end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.
Keep Smiling,